those 3 little words..

I was head over heels.  I had found him.  The guy that made my heart race.  My mind fuzzy.  My stomach do flip flops.

We had been dating for a while.  Plans were made for The Holidays.  We spent a perfect amount of time together.  Not too much.  Not too little.

I laughed more, smiled more, skipped more.  Because. Of. Him.

It was my first 'love'.  I knew it.  We were going to be together.  Forever.  I had found my King.  I was certain.  I couldn't wait to hear it out of his mouth.  I love you.  I just wanted him to say it first so I could say it back.

We were out with friends.  He liked to drink.  A lot.  Later I realized too much. 

He got that look in his eye.  Or, that one eye.  The one that got smaller and squintier.  The look that I knew meant the proverbial 'other shoe' may drop.  He was slurring his words when he was telling me how much he liked me.  He was so happy I was in his life.  He couldn't imagine being with anyone but me.  The moment he saw me it was like a circle of light was surrounding me. He was drawn to me in that very first moment and could never let me go.

I knew it was coming.  He was going to say those 3 little words I had been waiting to hear for  SOOO   LOOONG.  To profess his unwavering love for me.   It was on the tip of his tongue.  I stopped breathing waiting for him to whisper it in my ear.

"I slub you"  he says.

He was trashed. 

And, he slubbed me. 

I felt like the unluckiest girl in the world.  My boyfriend slubbed me.  I wanted him to take it back.  I wanted to cry.  Who wants to hear for the first time that their boyfriend 'slubs' them?  Where was I love you? 

Gone.  Gone about 8 gins ago.  That's where it was.  He slubbed gin too. 

Naked People

There are many different types of people in the world.  Skinny, Tall,  Brown-Haired, Muscular, Chunky, Blue-Eyed, Petite..I could go on. 

There are also two very distinctive people - Naked People and Not Naked People.

The Naked Cowboy likely only wears underwear to avoid the NYC slammer.  He has made good money off of his nakedness.  Clearly he is a Naked Person.  Probably everyday.  Probably all of the time.

I am a Not Naked Person. I don't walk around the house naked. I don't dry my hair naked. Nothing. I did not grow up in a Naked House. We wore clothes. Always. I don't have anything against Naked People. I am just not one of them. So, their nakedness is sometimes surprising.

I dated a Naked Person once.  I found him sitting naked on the couch and felt so bad for every other person who would ever sit on that couch again. Yuck! This happened a few times and every time I was like 'put some freaking shorts on'...Sheesh. 

I also had a Naked Person as a roommate.  One night our home phone started screaming at 2am.  We were in our 20's.  This was not abnormal.  We both came running out of our rooms. I, clothed head to toe, in yoga pants, a long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt.  It was winter.  She, on the other hand, was naked.  Totally naked. Not even jewelry naked. We stared at the phone, looked at each other, laughed and went back to our respective Not Naked and Naked Rooms.

You are either a Naked Person or a Not Naked Person.  There is no in-between.  The Naked Ex sometimes also cooked naked.  Breakfast.  Really.  Nothing like a full moon when you walk into the kitchen on a Sunday morning.

Who do you think you are, Kim Kardashian?

Since I was writing about ending my last relationship the other day I started thinking about The BreakUp.

One of my favorite comments he threw at me:  "Who do you think you are, Kim Kardashian"?

Really?  Kim Kardashian?  Did he really say that? We don't look alike.  At all. Except that I have a generously sized derriere. That we have in common.

I am laughing just thinking about it. "Who do you think you are, Kim Kardashian"? Howling, in fact. Tears in eyes laughing. That is absurd.

I think I had actually forgotten about this gem of a moment until Halloween when I wrote about The BreakUp in the exceptionally funny post Ruby Red Lipstick: Anniversary Edition. Yes, I sometimes think I am funny.  I laugh at my own blogs.  Narcissistic, I know.

I love Kim K.  She makes me laugh.  She is glamorous and ridiculous and keeping up with her makes for great DVR.  Her family is amazing!  I laugh out loud at their antics and dysFUNction!  As much as I enjoy their shows and the entire Kardashian - Jenner family, I have no idea why on earth he thought that I thought that I was Kim Kardashian.


CC BY Holywood Branded, Inc.

And, know that when I say dysFUNction it is with complete love and adoration.  My father always said that our family puts the FUN in dysfunctional.  Total term of endearment. My love to the Kardashian-Jenners.  They add the FUN too.

Anyway, around that same time last year, Kim decided to end her relationship with Kris Humphries (Hump to you Kardash fans). In fact, I do believe her divorce filing was on October 31st of Twenty-Eleven.  The same day of The BreakUp.  Google confirmed. 

Apparently my ex was keenly aware of this and felt that me ending my bad relationship on Halloween was akin to Kim ending hers.  I didn't understand the comparison then and I don't understand it now.

Regardless, here's to you Kim Kardashian!  It seems that you are much happier one year later.  Me too!

Ghetto Phone

Last weekend, I was texting while walking and had an incident with the sidewalk grate.  You know the grates I am talking about..the city planner trys to make the sidewalk pretty so they add trees and grates to hold the trees.  But, this makes it harder for people to walk.   And, when you are walking you have to duck to dodge tree branches every 6 feet to avoid getting smacked in your pretty face.  I love urban beautification but sometimes it's annoying.  Like last Saturday night. 

Anyway, so I am texting, dodging branches, my Stuart Weitzman heel slips into the grate and I drop my phone on the ground.  And, when I picked it up, the screen had shattered.  Major shattered.  Ugh!

This was bound to happen sooner or later.  I drop my phone all of the time.  Like daily.  When I get out of the car. When texting. When answering calls.  When trying to put it back in my bag. When taking it out of my bag.  Butterfingers.

I used to have that problem in basketball with the ball.  Maybe that's why I quit playing after junior high.  Oh well, I liked cheerleading and drinking wine coolers better.  Sorry mom.

So, the phone face is way shattered.  But it still works.  I can text, talk, facebook, tweet, check email, obsess over pinterest, blog.
All good.

So, the $100 question was do I pay to have the screen repaired or hold out for my January upgrade?  Rumor has it that you can put a screen protector on the phone and still use it without the risk of finding splintered glass in your finger. Your phone just looks ghetto.  Do I care if I have a ghetto phone?  I don't know?  It works.  But, I am a bit superficial. Shocking, I know.

So brilliance descended upon me.  I'll call Verizon and beg and plead for an early upgrade.  I was ready with the story about how my ex and I had a Family Plan.  It was in his name but we broke up so I had to assume liability and I've really had this phone for 2.5 years so I should have been due for the upgrade months ago... Blah, blah, blah.  I shared my sob story hoping it would work. 

And, I won!!!

Verizon agreed to send me a new iPhone 5 now!  I don't have to wait until January!! I get this brand new piece of glory shortly!!    I am so impatient so this is great! 

What? I have to wait until they are back in stock November 16th. No!  I have to pay a $30 upgrade charge? Seriously?  I have to change my plan?  Really Verizon?  And, I have to use the ghetto phone for two more weeks.  Ugh!  I am so impatient so this is going to really stink.  Wwwwaaaahhhh

I'll just count down the days until November 16th.  Only 15 to go.  Probably 17 until I get the new phone. 

Keep Calm & Text On

Ruby Red Lipstick: Anniversary Edition

I am single.  I have been for a year now.  To the day. 

Yes, I dumped my ex on Halloween of last year.  He applied for a car loan in my name.  For a Range Rover.  When he was unemployed.  Really?

He did a handful of other things that really crossed the line and my forgiveness had just run out.  So, I came home mid-day and told him it was over.  I didn't cry.  I just felt an incredible sense of Peace.  Even when he called me every nasty word you can think of to refer to a woman or her body. Or, when in the middle of The BreakUp he changed his relationship status on Facebook to 'single'.  Who does that?  Peaceful the whole time. Seriously.

That peaceful easy feeling lasted for about 14 hrs.  Then, I woke up and I felt terrible.  And, I felt great.  And, I felt sad.  And, I felt happy. And, I felt relief. And, I felt lost.  And, I felt found.

For a while it was a mix of these emotions but eventually I got over the ex and the relationship.  My friends were amazingly supportive through it all!  The best friends a girl could ask for.  Xanax also helped. So did wine.  Sometimes too much.  But never too much of both at the same time. I even called the Walgreen's pharmacist a few times to be sure my time between the sedatives and the wine was enough. They think I am completely nuts. Safety first.

I think the 'tipping point' in my 'moving on' was when me and my Ruby Red Lips found him at a pizza place.  No, I didn't smooch him. YUCK! I seriously just gagged a little.  I did however try to play nice.  Until he asked me to do him a favor. 

 Him: Liz, could you do me a favor?
 Me: Sure, what's that?  (me trying to play nice)
 Him:  Lay off the red lipstick?

Seriously?  Who says that?  Lay off the red lipstick?  Really?

Whatever.  Like he had any right to comment on my appearance or my make-up selection. Who did he think he was?

I love me some red lipstick.  Here is one of my favorite pics of me rockin' red lips. I get that the picture is a bit crazy. Cray-Zee is totally why I love it.

Whenever I put on the red lipstick I am empowered, strong, beautiful and confident.  Actually I feel that way in pink lip gloss or when I wear chapstick too.  But, when I pop the cap off of the red I remember that moment and how good it felt to tell him

Me: Actually...I like it...so I'll probably keep wearing it. *smug smile*

Today, I am wearing red lipstick.  And, I feel Great.  Happy and Healthy. Peaceful and Pretty.  Sassy and Sophisticated.  And, I don't have a Range Rover in my driveway.  And, even better, he doesn't have one in his.