More of Maximizing My Assets

So, I may have reached an all time low.  Or, perhaps I've figured out the secret that every woman should know.

If you are trying to fit into a dress that just needs a little bit more room you don't need to diet.  Don't juice cleanse.  Just learn from this modern day tale.

Once upon a time I had a gorgeous sweater dress to wear.  The dress was just a wee bit clingy.  Who am I kidding?  It was totally clingy.  So, I decided to call in reinforcements, my favorite friends Spanx and Assets.  Yep, both of them.

To achieve the desired look I wore Spanx (the kind that go from below the bust to mid thigh) with Assets slimming tights (basically with 'control top' also starting below the bust and going to mid thigh) over them.  This was double duty.  Now, if anyone had seen me in these undergarments they would have had a good laugh!

I looked like a hybrid scuba instructor cyclist who favored black over the colorful uniforms that most road bikers sport.

But what really mattered is that to the general public I think I looked Pretty. Darn. Good. Received a few compliments in fact. 

People I hadn't seen in months told me how great I looked.  Asked if I had lost weight.  I had not lost a pound. Just stuffed myself into two slimmers. So, I just smiled and said thank you and mentally praised Spanx and Assets for doing their job.

Thank you, Spanx.  Thank you, Assets.  Thank you for slimming me into a smaller size!  I felt smaller, svelter, slimmer.  And sometimes it felt like it was hard to breathe but whatever...I looked good!  And felt lovely in my clingy sweater dress.  Hallelujah!

Maximizing my Assets

So you might be wondering where I've been.  Why I haven't written in a bit.  See, I've been busy.  Busy working.  Busy traveling for work. Busy buying the appropriate undergarments to wear to the work functions that I have to travel for to attend.

Undergarments are an interesting thing.  Whether granny panties or hanky panky's we women are loyal to the things that touch our most delicate of parts.  At the same time we also do what we can to maximize our assets. 

I'll tell you a little story about that.

I am a curvier girl.  Even curvier than I used to be. Particularly on the bottom.  I've got some hips.  I don't love them when I notice the dimples that I had hoped would be on my face are actually on my thighs.  But, I do like having shape.  I like having what Sir Mix A Lot calls an Oakland booty.  It's mine and it's cool.  I just wish it was sometimes a wee bit smaller.  To achieve this desired state I have become good friends with an undergarment called Spanx.  I've become even better friends with her wallet-friendlier sister, Assets. 

These Assets flatter my assets.  Everything is sleeker, smoother and better looking.  Gone are panty-lines, bumps, jiggles and lumps.  Everything is lifted, sucked in and I have a perfectly shaped lower half.  Love it.

Over the holidays I found a new dress that I am In. Love. With.  It's knit.  It clings.  It requires the incredibly slimming action of Spanx or Assets. I wanted a full body tube that would slim my tummy, slenderize my thighs and round out my derriere.  I hit Tar-jzay (this is how you say Target when you are buying fancy things there i.e. Assets not toilet paper).  I found exactly what I wanted in Assets.  Probably saved a good $40 bucks vs. her sister, Spanx.  Victory.

Fast forward to my work function. Left the hotel at 6:30. AM.  Planning to be gone until 10 something. PM.  Hair coiffed?  Check.  Make-Up Applied?  Check.  Tights? Check.  Assets tube slimmer? Check. Darling knit dress? Check.  Knee high black boots? Check.  I. Looked. Awesome!

About 2 hours later, I felt like an idiot.  Every step I took Assets slipped up a notch on my body.  She was no longer slimming my thighs.  She was now bunched up at my waist.  Literally.  She worked her way up my thighs the minute I would pull her down.  She just wasn't having it.  I toyed with taking her off mid-day.   Maybe putting her in my bag.  But, there was never an opportunity.  What was I going to do, walk out of the bathroom carrying my undergarment in my hand?

So, instead, all day, I adjusted whenever I thought no one was looking.  Which probably meant everyone was looking.  Oh well.  I just had to laugh.  I have to laugh now.  Here I was, trying to look better.  And, instead I looked like the poor girl who had ill-fitting undergarments.  My sophisticated cover was blown.   I should have just let my tummy out.  No one would have noticed that.  I'm sure the entire party saw me stick my hand up my dress to yank my black tube 'dress' down from my waist to my knees.

Lovely.

Counting My Blessings

I took a little blogging break as I was resting, relaxing, shopping, sunning and watching some hoops in the Virgin Islands over Thanksgiving.  The Littlest was playing in an islands tournament and so our family hopped a few planes to celebrate one of my most favorite holidays beachside.

 

Over the last month I've seen Facebook friends posting daily about all of things that have made their Thankful lists. I didn't partake in this trend but decided that on the last day of the month I'd jot down all of things I am blessed by and with.  Efficiency.  30 days of something I'm thankful for in one list, one post.  Done.  Read on.  And, this is not in order of least to most thankful or vice versa so don't be insulted if you aren't number 1.

          

My Blessings

1) Laughter (side-splitting, eyes watering, out loud laughter)

2) Kindness (in heart and mind)

3) La Famiglia (both sides and the 'family' that is not even biologically tied)

4) Sunshine

5) My pooch, Sam (although sometimes I want to send him off with the Gypsy's)

6) Girlfriends (enough said)

7) Baubles (bracelets, diamonds, cheap costume plastic stuff, heirlooms)

8) Ice Cream (Ben & Jerry's Phish Food in particular)

9) Bond No. 5 Nuit de Noho

10) Beaches (sand, turquoise water, sunshine, palm trees, Bette Midler)

11) Crushes (and the butterflies that come with them)

12) My trusty Volvo

13) Xanax (the calm that overcomes the storm)

14) Seashells (junonia's, jewels of the sea, catpaws, conchs, tulips)

15) Open Windows

16) Chardonnay (Rombauer is at the top of the list)

17) Gossip Magazines (and the trash they talk)

18) Grandparent memories (old spice, tab, velcro rollers, pontoon boats)

19) Church Hopping

20) Mani-Pedi's (and the Vietnamese women who are really good at doing them)

21) Wi-Fi and data plans

22) Sunroof - Moonroof (toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe)

23) Post-It's (thank you Romy & Michelle or maybe 3M)

24) Good reads (bound or nook)

25) Hand Lotion (Kiehls, l'occitane, love+toast, Archipelago)

26) Mentors (you know who you are)

27) Frequent flyer miles and hotel status (Thank you AA and Marriott)

28) Coca Cola (diet, zero, caffeine free and just plain ol' Coca Cola in the red can)

29) Old Sweatshirts (one GAP gray one that I love to wear inside out)

30) Gluten free cookies (who am I kidding, gluten free everything)
 

 

Naked People

There are many different types of people in the world.  Skinny, Tall,  Brown-Haired, Muscular, Chunky, Blue-Eyed, Petite..I could go on. 

There are also two very distinctive people - Naked People and Not Naked People.

The Naked Cowboy likely only wears underwear to avoid the NYC slammer.  He has made good money off of his nakedness.  Clearly he is a Naked Person.  Probably everyday.  Probably all of the time.

I am a Not Naked Person. I don't walk around the house naked. I don't dry my hair naked. Nothing. I did not grow up in a Naked House. We wore clothes. Always. I don't have anything against Naked People. I am just not one of them. So, their nakedness is sometimes surprising.

I dated a Naked Person once.  I found him sitting naked on the couch and felt so bad for every other person who would ever sit on that couch again. Yuck! This happened a few times and every time I was like 'put some freaking shorts on'...Sheesh. 

I also had a Naked Person as a roommate.  One night our home phone started screaming at 2am.  We were in our 20's.  This was not abnormal.  We both came running out of our rooms. I, clothed head to toe, in yoga pants, a long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt.  It was winter.  She, on the other hand, was naked.  Totally naked. Not even jewelry naked. We stared at the phone, looked at each other, laughed and went back to our respective Not Naked and Naked Rooms.

You are either a Naked Person or a Not Naked Person.  There is no in-between.  The Naked Ex sometimes also cooked naked.  Breakfast.  Really.  Nothing like a full moon when you walk into the kitchen on a Sunday morning.

30 Happy Things as listed by Wildfox

I found this shirt when I was out shopping during the Girls Weekend I keep mentioning.   I ♥ it.

I would never wear it though. I am not a t-shirt with words kind of person. Nor, logo shirts. Not my thing.

But, I think this one is sooo cute!  On the hanger.   Or to sleep in.  I love it.

But I don't need $88 sleeping shirts. 

Available at Wildfox Couture online if you do.



photo by Liz ~ t-shirt by Wildfox Couture

30  HAPPY  THINGS
Night Drives
Seven Minutes In Heaven
Sketching On flights
Picking Blackberries
White Sheets
Sunrise
Little Animals
Baggy Shirts
Laughing Until It Hurts
Dad
Dressing Up
Cold Nights, Open Windows
Free Samples
Cat Paintings
Wine Drunk
90's Barbies
Borrowing Clothes
Sleeping On Trampolines
Waking Up With All Your Friends
Driving To Loud Music
Hepburn Marathons
Train Rides
Sleeping Bags
Ice Cold Water In The Summer
Falling Asleep At His House
New York Streets
Los Angeles Hills
Fancy Dresses
Watercolors
Kissing For Hours

Happy Hallowine!!

I can't believe Halloween is right around the corner...I've always loved Halloween and loved getting dressed up! 

A couple of years ago my friends decided to go as Angels & Devils.  Nothing like seeing tinted Escalade doors open and several scantily clad devils and angels hop out.

The plan outlined that each of us dress as our opposite.  Nice girls should be devils and the 'other' girls would be angels.  Some of us are just not as nice as the rest.  So, two of us were angels. My angel partner in crime shall remain nameless.  We had fun as our alter egos.  We were nice and happy and sweet.  All night. 



This year I am going to pass on the dressing up.  One, I can't fit into any of my costumes.  Two, this year's sleazy costumes are not my thing. And, three,  I have no bar-hopping, crazy clubbing plans.  Gone are the days of finding my way to the VIP room dressed as a 'Naughty Catholic School Girl' to pop bottles with one of the 'bones from Bone Thugs-N-Harmony and Mystikal.  Gone is the desire to 'shake' my assets in a 'Captain Booty' pirate costume. Gone is the wish to dance with the 'Devils' at a haunted house.

This year, I'd rather be an observer.  Watch the kids run through the neighborhood in their costumes. Hand out candy after laughing at terrible trick or treat jokes. Smile at the parents who have to sort through all of that candy and hide half of it so Johnny doesn't vomit on his costume or his sister.    

I'll do that and drink wine.  Maybe in wings and my halo.

Have a Safe and Happy Halloween!

A first time for everything..

In life there are many 'firsts' - a first birthday, first day of school, first kiss, first hangover, first 'real' job, first health scare, first house, first love, first loss.  Today is my FIRST blog.  Ever. And, just like every other first, it is intimidating, exciting, a bit uncomfortable and after it happens I'll probably think of a million things I should have, could have, would have done differently.

I have been inspired to blog by two wonderful (and crazy) women I met one night over dinner with friends at my favorite Mexican restaurant, 'The Ranch'.  Keep this in mind. 'The Ranch' will come up again. Likely on a Thursday. It's a tradition. Maybe that's why my jeans are tight. Anyway, both women are bloggers and have quite a following.  I shared a few of my stories over fajitas and enchiladas and talked about how I am a little narcissistic and they said sign up, join the fun. 

I looked at blog options that night stuffed from my Mexican fiesta. But just couldn't take the leap into the land of blog. Perhaps it was a Mexican coma.  Or, just a lack of adventure.  But I did not take that first step.

A few months later one of the women was in town again, visiting her daughter, one of my good friends.  We talked more about it over dinner.  We like to eat.  Although this time it was Italian. Yum. And again she was talking to me about blogging.  What really had me hooked is that she was headed to our fancy mall the next day to buy herself a new Louis Vuitton with her blog money.  Now, that's what I am talking about. Granted, I am nowhere near Louis status in the blog world.  I am starting out..it's like buying your first designer handbag at Coach.  Very exciting, but not Louis exciting. Maybe my blog will get there one day.  Today, I am just going to enjoy my first post and maybe I'll find that Coach handbag and appreciate it for what it was..my first.