So, I may have reached an all time low. Or, perhaps I've figured out the secret that every woman should know.
If you are trying to fit into a dress that just needs a little bit more room you don't need to diet. Don't juice cleanse. Just learn from this modern day tale.
Once upon a time I had a gorgeous sweater dress to wear. The dress was just a wee bit clingy. Who am I kidding? It was totally clingy. So, I decided to call in reinforcements, my favorite friends Spanx and Assets. Yep, both of them.
To achieve the desired look I wore Spanx (the kind that go from below the bust to mid thigh) with Assets slimming tights (basically with 'control top' also starting below the bust and going to mid thigh) over them. This was double duty. Now, if anyone had seen me in these undergarments they would have had a good laugh!
I looked like a hybrid scuba instructor cyclist who favored black over the colorful uniforms that most road bikers sport.
But what really mattered is that to the general public I think I looked Pretty. Darn. Good. Received a few compliments in fact.
People I hadn't seen in months told me how great I looked. Asked if I had lost weight. I had not lost a pound. Just stuffed myself into two slimmers. So, I just smiled and said thank you and mentally praised Spanx and Assets for doing their job.
Thank you, Spanx. Thank you, Assets. Thank you for slimming me into a smaller size! I felt smaller, svelter, slimmer. And sometimes it felt like it was hard to breathe but whatever...I looked good! And felt lovely in my clingy sweater dress. Hallelujah!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Mommy Mondays
Hello friends. No, this isn't my (not so) subtle way of making an announcement of a pending baby due - gasp! Or, the announcement of my adoption of a new, furry puppy. It's the announcement of a guest blog starring my dear friend, Laura. LJ for those of you know her from other times in our respective lives. Laura has two adorable darlings who are known to do some pretty funny stuff. She shares this with me via phone and email and I always laugh and laugh. And I thought you needed to hear some of it too. This may happen again. Or, maybe not. Just depends on how often her kids do silly, funny, blog-worthy stuff. And, how often it's Monday. And, how often I can get my act together to post her fine, clever prose on a Monday. So, welcome to Mommy Mondays!! And, welcome Laura. Okay, your mic is on...
From now on, I'll leave the teachings of Judaism to the experts.
Happy Passover to Harper and all my Jewish friends!
My son, Grayson, is three-and-a-half. He attends preschool one block from our house, and we walk there three mornings a week. We love his school and plan to send his one-year-old sister, Harper, there when she's ready, too. It happens to be a Jewish preschool. Our family isn't Jewish, so we think it's pretty cool that Grayson teaches us things about the Jewish religion/culture ("Hamen is a bad guy!"), new vocabulary words ("Mom, did you eat matzo/hamantashen/challah when you were a girl?") and brings home fun projects (like a "Plague Bag"--including, among other things, a locust, lice, blood, and a dead cow--all faux, of course) on a weekly basis.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, Grayson requested ham in his lunchbox. I told him that ham isn't allowed at his school and that I'd send turkey instead. He proceeded to ask me at least a hundred questions about why he couldn't have ham at school, and I did my best to explain. I said that some Jewish people don't believe in eating pork, and that he should ask his teachers if he wanted to know more. OK, maybe that wasn't the greatest explanation, but I really just wanted him to stop asking questions about ham!
Out of the blue at school that Wednesday, he declared to his teacher, "I'm not Jewish, because I like ham!" Fabulous (insert my red face here). We had lunch at home the following day, and (surprise!) we had ham. At some point, Harper started throwing hers on the floor. Grayson, momentarily glancing up from his iPad screen (mom of the year), wanted to know what she was doing. I told him she was throwing her ham on the floor, and he asked, "Does Harper not like ham?" I said that sometimes babies just throw things. He watched her for awhile, then shrugged and said... "Maybe she's Jewish."
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, Grayson requested ham in his lunchbox. I told him that ham isn't allowed at his school and that I'd send turkey instead. He proceeded to ask me at least a hundred questions about why he couldn't have ham at school, and I did my best to explain. I said that some Jewish people don't believe in eating pork, and that he should ask his teachers if he wanted to know more. OK, maybe that wasn't the greatest explanation, but I really just wanted him to stop asking questions about ham!
From now on, I'll leave the teachings of Judaism to the experts.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Just Plane Inappropriate (3rd edition)
If you are joining us for the first time..welcome and let me give you some background. I travel for work. Fairly often. Not all the time. But, often enough that I've seen some crazy things.
One of my biggest pet peeves is people who take their shoes off on the plane.
I was telling my boss about this the other day and he acknowledged the he will go sans shoes on International flights. That gets a pass. They give you booties to cover your feet.
Domestic flights keep your shoes on.
Anyway, here's another pet peeve, people who eat weird, smelly or sloppy things on the plane.
So, the other day, we're in flight. I look over and there is a man sitting there with his work spread out across his tray table. He is working diligently. Scribbling feverishly. He must have really had some good thoughts burning through him. Then he paused. Reached into his lap and pulled out a bag of cereal.
No, not a baggie. Not a ziploc. The bag. That he removed from the standard size box of cereal.
The bag was nearly empty. There was probably enough in the bag for a kids size bowl of cereal. I couldn't believe he was going to stick his hand in that bag and snack on handfuls of cereal during our flight. Seriously?
So, he unrolled the top of the bag, positioned the bag to funnel the corner and leaned his head back. Opened his mouth as wide as it could go, lifted the bag upside down above his head and dumped in some cereal.
I was dumbfounded. So much so that I paused mid-conversation and shook my head. Then he started scribbling his notes again.
He repeated this two or three times until he got every last crumb of cereal out of that bag. It was one of the funniest and oddest things I've seen someone eat on the plane. A grown man. Graying beard and all. In 20D. Dumping cereal in his mouth. I hope he got all of the crumbs out of his beard.
One of my biggest pet peeves is people who take their shoes off on the plane.
I was telling my boss about this the other day and he acknowledged the he will go sans shoes on International flights. That gets a pass. They give you booties to cover your feet.
Domestic flights keep your shoes on.
Anyway, here's another pet peeve, people who eat weird, smelly or sloppy things on the plane.
So, the other day, we're in flight. I look over and there is a man sitting there with his work spread out across his tray table. He is working diligently. Scribbling feverishly. He must have really had some good thoughts burning through him. Then he paused. Reached into his lap and pulled out a bag of cereal.
No, not a baggie. Not a ziploc. The bag. That he removed from the standard size box of cereal.
The bag was nearly empty. There was probably enough in the bag for a kids size bowl of cereal. I couldn't believe he was going to stick his hand in that bag and snack on handfuls of cereal during our flight. Seriously?
So, he unrolled the top of the bag, positioned the bag to funnel the corner and leaned his head back. Opened his mouth as wide as it could go, lifted the bag upside down above his head and dumped in some cereal.
I was dumbfounded. So much so that I paused mid-conversation and shook my head. Then he started scribbling his notes again.
He repeated this two or three times until he got every last crumb of cereal out of that bag. It was one of the funniest and oddest things I've seen someone eat on the plane. A grown man. Graying beard and all. In 20D. Dumping cereal in his mouth. I hope he got all of the crumbs out of his beard.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
You gain weight?
As we all know, I love getting manicures and pedicures!! And, I am generally a very loyal client once I find someone who perfectly polishes my elegant fingers.
I found a gal I loved. She went by Katie because I, along with many others, couldn't pronounce her Vietnamese name. Katie was sweet and kind. She would sing and hum quietly when I was tired. Ask how I was doing. Ask about Sam and what puppy antics he had been up to. She asked about my boyfriend and work. I think she genuinely cared.
I was Katie's client for years. I would rearrange my schedule to make sure she would be the one clipping my cuticles and shaping my nails into perfect squovals.
Then one day everything changed. This was the day Katie looked at me slightly confused during my pedicure and said, 'You gain weight?'
I had. Probably 15 pounds. I was happy and in love so I ate and drank whatever I wanted. And, yes, I had gained weight. I was not happy about that but before I could answer she quickly followed with 'what you eat?'
I was mortified. Embarrassed. Red-faced. I already knew I wasn't happy with the extra 18 lbs I had put on. And, I certainly wasn't happy with Katie pointing it out either.
For my next manicure I took my money and my extra 21 pounds elsewhere.
I found a gal I loved. She went by Katie because I, along with many others, couldn't pronounce her Vietnamese name. Katie was sweet and kind. She would sing and hum quietly when I was tired. Ask how I was doing. Ask about Sam and what puppy antics he had been up to. She asked about my boyfriend and work. I think she genuinely cared.
I was Katie's client for years. I would rearrange my schedule to make sure she would be the one clipping my cuticles and shaping my nails into perfect squovals.
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CC
Calgary Review
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I had. Probably 15 pounds. I was happy and in love so I ate and drank whatever I wanted. And, yes, I had gained weight. I was not happy about that but before I could answer she quickly followed with 'what you eat?'
I was mortified. Embarrassed. Red-faced. I already knew I wasn't happy with the extra 18 lbs I had put on. And, I certainly wasn't happy with Katie pointing it out either.
For my next manicure I took my money and my extra 21 pounds elsewhere.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Just Plane Inappropriate (part deux)
Yep, it happened again.
Someone took their shoes off on the plane. In the seat next to me. Here's the proof.
Why. Do. You. People. Do. This? What on earth makes you think it's okay to remove your shoes on a plane? This is not your house or your car. Do you take your shoes off when you are shopping?
When you are at school? Or, walking around at work?
Seriously?
I mean, if your feet hurt that bad, acknowledge what you are going to do. Apologize and explain.
Don't just slip off your sneakers.
Ugh!
Someone took their shoes off on the plane. In the seat next to me. Here's the proof.
Why. Do. You. People. Do. This? What on earth makes you think it's okay to remove your shoes on a plane? This is not your house or your car. Do you take your shoes off when you are shopping?
When you are at school? Or, walking around at work?
Seriously?
I mean, if your feet hurt that bad, acknowledge what you are going to do. Apologize and explain.
Don't just slip off your sneakers.
Ugh!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Maximizing my Assets
So you might be wondering where I've been. Why I haven't written in a bit. See, I've been busy. Busy working. Busy traveling for work. Busy buying the appropriate undergarments to wear to the work functions that I have to travel for to attend.
Undergarments are an interesting thing. Whether granny panties or hanky panky's we women are loyal to the things that touch our most delicate of parts. At the same time we also do what we can to maximize our assets.
I'll tell you a little story about that.
I am a curvier girl. Even curvier than I used to be. Particularly on the bottom. I've got some hips. I don't love them when I notice the dimples that I had hoped would be on my face are actually on my thighs. But, I do like having shape. I like having what Sir Mix A Lot calls an Oakland booty. It's mine and it's cool. I just wish it was sometimes a wee bit smaller. To achieve this desired state I have become good friends with an undergarment called Spanx. I've become even better friends with her wallet-friendlier sister, Assets.
These Assets flatter my assets. Everything is sleeker, smoother and better looking. Gone are panty-lines, bumps, jiggles and lumps. Everything is lifted, sucked in and I have a perfectly shaped lower half. Love it.
Over the holidays I found a new dress that I am In. Love. With. It's knit. It clings. It requires the incredibly slimming action of Spanx or Assets. I wanted a full body tube that would slim my tummy, slenderize my thighs and round out my derriere. I hit Tar-jzay (this is how you say Target when you are buying fancy things there i.e. Assets not toilet paper). I found exactly what I wanted in Assets. Probably saved a good $40 bucks vs. her sister, Spanx. Victory.
Fast forward to my work function. Left the hotel at 6:30. AM. Planning to be gone until 10 something. PM. Hair coiffed? Check. Make-Up Applied? Check. Tights? Check. Assets tube slimmer? Check. Darling knit dress? Check. Knee high black boots? Check. I. Looked. Awesome!
About 2 hours later, I felt like an idiot. Every step I took Assets slipped up a notch on my body. She was no longer slimming my thighs. She was now bunched up at my waist. Literally. She worked her way up my thighs the minute I would pull her down. She just wasn't having it. I toyed with taking her off mid-day. Maybe putting her in my bag. But, there was never an opportunity. What was I going to do, walk out of the bathroom carrying my undergarment in my hand?
So, instead, all day, I adjusted whenever I thought no one was looking. Which probably meant everyone was looking. Oh well. I just had to laugh. I have to laugh now. Here I was, trying to look better. And, instead I looked like the poor girl who had ill-fitting undergarments. My sophisticated cover was blown. I should have just let my tummy out. No one would have noticed that. I'm sure the entire party saw me stick my hand up my dress to yank my black tube 'dress' down from my waist to my knees.
Lovely.
Undergarments are an interesting thing. Whether granny panties or hanky panky's we women are loyal to the things that touch our most delicate of parts. At the same time we also do what we can to maximize our assets.
I'll tell you a little story about that.
I am a curvier girl. Even curvier than I used to be. Particularly on the bottom. I've got some hips. I don't love them when I notice the dimples that I had hoped would be on my face are actually on my thighs. But, I do like having shape. I like having what Sir Mix A Lot calls an Oakland booty. It's mine and it's cool. I just wish it was sometimes a wee bit smaller. To achieve this desired state I have become good friends with an undergarment called Spanx. I've become even better friends with her wallet-friendlier sister, Assets.
These Assets flatter my assets. Everything is sleeker, smoother and better looking. Gone are panty-lines, bumps, jiggles and lumps. Everything is lifted, sucked in and I have a perfectly shaped lower half. Love it.
Over the holidays I found a new dress that I am In. Love. With. It's knit. It clings. It requires the incredibly slimming action of Spanx or Assets. I wanted a full body tube that would slim my tummy, slenderize my thighs and round out my derriere. I hit Tar-jzay (this is how you say Target when you are buying fancy things there i.e. Assets not toilet paper). I found exactly what I wanted in Assets. Probably saved a good $40 bucks vs. her sister, Spanx. Victory.
Fast forward to my work function. Left the hotel at 6:30. AM. Planning to be gone until 10 something. PM. Hair coiffed? Check. Make-Up Applied? Check. Tights? Check. Assets tube slimmer? Check. Darling knit dress? Check. Knee high black boots? Check. I. Looked. Awesome!
About 2 hours later, I felt like an idiot. Every step I took Assets slipped up a notch on my body. She was no longer slimming my thighs. She was now bunched up at my waist. Literally. She worked her way up my thighs the minute I would pull her down. She just wasn't having it. I toyed with taking her off mid-day. Maybe putting her in my bag. But, there was never an opportunity. What was I going to do, walk out of the bathroom carrying my undergarment in my hand?
So, instead, all day, I adjusted whenever I thought no one was looking. Which probably meant everyone was looking. Oh well. I just had to laugh. I have to laugh now. Here I was, trying to look better. And, instead I looked like the poor girl who had ill-fitting undergarments. My sophisticated cover was blown. I should have just let my tummy out. No one would have noticed that. I'm sure the entire party saw me stick my hand up my dress to yank my black tube 'dress' down from my waist to my knees.
Lovely.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Happiest of New Years
There are a number of traditions around celebrating the New Year. Some are fun like getting dressed up and wearing silly hats. Others are said to bring love, fortune, success. Listening to Auld Lang Syne at the stroke of midnight and making a champagne toast (be sure to put a gold ring in your glass). Wearing white on New Year's Eve yields health and internal peace. Also, eating pork, black eyed peas and doughnuts on New Year's Day is custom for a good year ahead. Top it off with 12 grapes for 12 good months. Supposedly you are also not to remove anything from the home or clean on New Year's Day. And, don't pay a single bill or wash dishes.
One tradition I am particularly hopeful about is First - Footing. This tradition states that the first person to enter the home after midnight will determine the type of year ahead. And, according to everything I've read on this tradition, the key is for the “first footer” to be a tall, dark and handsome male. Even better if they come bearing gifts.
I am patiently waiting for said man to show up on my doorstep, gifts in hand. Hopefully my sitting and standing 3 times while writing this post will also encourage this dark haired Adonis to marry me in 2013 as well.
While I wait for his arrival I will spend the day doing a little bit of work, to ensure a good new year in that aspect of my life. I also will avoid the dishes or taking out the trash. I'll try to find a Chinese place for pork and I'll be happy and joyous all day (to set the tone for a happy 364 days in front of me). 2013 is going to be my year!!
Regardless of the tradition or ritual I am going to enjoy every minute of today. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends. I have a good life and good health. I am fortunate and grateful. I am accomplished and loved. I hope that you are too.
Happy New Year!!
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