Sunday, January 20, 2013

Maximizing my Assets

So you might be wondering where I've been.  Why I haven't written in a bit.  See, I've been busy.  Busy working.  Busy traveling for work. Busy buying the appropriate undergarments to wear to the work functions that I have to travel for to attend.

Undergarments are an interesting thing.  Whether granny panties or hanky panky's we women are loyal to the things that touch our most delicate of parts.  At the same time we also do what we can to maximize our assets. 

I'll tell you a little story about that.

I am a curvier girl.  Even curvier than I used to be. Particularly on the bottom.  I've got some hips.  I don't love them when I notice the dimples that I had hoped would be on my face are actually on my thighs.  But, I do like having shape.  I like having what Sir Mix A Lot calls an Oakland booty.  It's mine and it's cool.  I just wish it was sometimes a wee bit smaller.  To achieve this desired state I have become good friends with an undergarment called Spanx.  I've become even better friends with her wallet-friendlier sister, Assets. 

These Assets flatter my assets.  Everything is sleeker, smoother and better looking.  Gone are panty-lines, bumps, jiggles and lumps.  Everything is lifted, sucked in and I have a perfectly shaped lower half.  Love it.

Over the holidays I found a new dress that I am In. Love. With.  It's knit.  It clings.  It requires the incredibly slimming action of Spanx or Assets. I wanted a full body tube that would slim my tummy, slenderize my thighs and round out my derriere.  I hit Tar-jzay (this is how you say Target when you are buying fancy things there i.e. Assets not toilet paper).  I found exactly what I wanted in Assets.  Probably saved a good $40 bucks vs. her sister, Spanx.  Victory.

Fast forward to my work function. Left the hotel at 6:30. AM.  Planning to be gone until 10 something. PM.  Hair coiffed?  Check.  Make-Up Applied?  Check.  Tights? Check.  Assets tube slimmer? Check. Darling knit dress? Check.  Knee high black boots? Check.  I. Looked. Awesome!

About 2 hours later, I felt like an idiot.  Every step I took Assets slipped up a notch on my body.  She was no longer slimming my thighs.  She was now bunched up at my waist.  Literally.  She worked her way up my thighs the minute I would pull her down.  She just wasn't having it.  I toyed with taking her off mid-day.   Maybe putting her in my bag.  But, there was never an opportunity.  What was I going to do, walk out of the bathroom carrying my undergarment in my hand?

So, instead, all day, I adjusted whenever I thought no one was looking.  Which probably meant everyone was looking.  Oh well.  I just had to laugh.  I have to laugh now.  Here I was, trying to look better.  And, instead I looked like the poor girl who had ill-fitting undergarments.  My sophisticated cover was blown.   I should have just let my tummy out.  No one would have noticed that.  I'm sure the entire party saw me stick my hand up my dress to yank my black tube 'dress' down from my waist to my knees.



  1. I am so over Spanx AND Assets. Tried both with the same issues. Except that I was not so polite in my describing the migrating effect these supposedly slimming devices had. So not cool. I hope you kept the receipt! :-)

    1. Ha! Thanks for reading my blog!!!