Friday, December 28, 2012

U Can't Touch This..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/witchesfallscottages/5798887144/
CC by Witches Falls Cottages


I'm just here for relaxation apparently translated to the massage therapist as 'please be very aggressive in tending to my muscles'. 

Literally in pain at points.  I didn't go in for that.  I wanted a nice gentle massage.  Maybe a little aromatherapy.  Soothing and relaxing. Instead I was battered, kneaded, rolled, stretched and rubbed with an intensity I didn't see coming.

As I was lying there, trying to avoid whimpering when she hit the 'hot spots', my mind started to wander.  And, I wandered down massage memory lane. 

Here are my top massage moments:

1)
I had been to this massage therapist before so I kind of knew what to expect.  Unfortunately, she had literally just survived a fire.  Amen.  Seriously, that's scary stuff.  She was very fortunate.  Unfortunately for me, her clothes smelled of smoke.  And, she had a terrible cough.  It was awful, she would try to breathe and start hacking.  It was so bad!  Glad she survived, wish she had taken the day off to recuperate.

2)
But, not as bad as the new age man I had recently.  He wore a hemp necklace and mandals.  And, every time he went in for a stroke he took a huge deep breath through his nose and then exhaled loudly through his mouth.  I'm not kidding.  I think his breathing technique is also used in Lamaze.  Deep breath in through the nostrils..  Rub Liz's back and exhale.  Repeat.  The whole hour was spent with him focused on his breathing.  It was completely awkward.  Then he bowed when we parted ways.  Weird.

3)
And, moving on to another winning massage moment. This was early in my massage life. I wasn't sure whether I should leave the underwear on or off.  When the man came in to talk with me before my rub down he rubbed me the wrong way. Seemed kind of creepy. So, I left the underwear on.

He returned when I was comfortable under the sheet, face in the doughnut. Everything was wonderful.  Just as I liked it.. The he moved down to my legs. At this point he apparently thought my underwear was impeding his work. So, he yanked them in between my cheeks giving me the worst wedgie I've ever had. Worse than jumping of the platform dive at the aquatic center. Worse than Hanky Pankys.  It was suddenly like cheerleading and 'pinching a penny'. Then he went in for the kill and started massaging my bare bum. Seriously. There is a reason you leave underwear on. That means stay away.  In the wise words of MC Hammer, U Can't Touch This.

4)
Out walked a small man. I could have squashed him. I didn't know how he was going to have enough oomph to make a difference in my Swedish massage. Probably for the better considering the massive hangover I was rocking. I had been in Chicago for a bachelorette weekend and the night before was a crazy, late night, shots, champagne and not enough dinner kind of party. Anyway, my Swedish massage started off lovely. Soothing. Perfect pressure. Relaxation station.  Thank you!

Then he asked me to turn over. At this point I am face up and he moved the sheet for access to my legs. Then he lifted my leg and bent it at the knee. Then slowly straightened it. He repeated this motion several times puppeting my leg as if I was riding a bike. When the bicycle riding came to a stop he straightened my leg and began rolling it around at the hip creating giant leg circles in the air. Then he combined the two. Bicycle ride leg circle. Over and over and over again. The he pulled my leg, shook it vigorously and did it all again. Moved on to the other leg for the same amazing (sarcasm) experience.. I was in shock.

After all was said and done, he left, I changed. When I met him outside to receive my bottle of water I asked him what techniques he applied and mentioned I had never experienced anything like it before.  I had a straight face but was laughing hysterically inside.  His reply..Asian BodyWork.

Make a note ladies and gents, if you ever have a massage with Asian BodyWork I suggest leaving your underwear on.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Reply To All



The Reply To All option has a purpose.  And, in most instances it is helpful.  When you are having a conversation amongst a group of people.  Maybe it's about a business decision.  Or, maybe it's about where to go to lunch. Maybe it's about an upcoming trip and what the group wants to do while you are out of town.  Maybe it's coordinating the weekend's plans. In these instances Reply To All is the key to success at group organization!

The Reply To All button is also sometimes misused.  Occasionally I receive an email response (so does the entire office) telling me something that was really only intended for the person who sent the email.  Often, it's just annoying.  Nothing I need to worry about so I roll my eyes, shake my head while muttering 'Reply To All' and delete the email.

The worst is when someone sends out a mass email and someone replies to all with something completely inappropriate for the audience.

Case in point.

Several (many,many) years ago a co-worker sent out an announcement that they were having a baby!!  This exciting email was sent to everyone on our team, our boss, our boss's boss, our President, the receptionist.  Plus all of his family and friends. You name it they got it.  In actuality, they were adopting a dog!   I sent him a 'reply' note of congrats along with several reasons on why I love dogs.  No surprise that I went on and on about how much I cherish my pooch, Sam.

Twenty minutes later a 'reply to all' came through.  His friend wished him well and then went on to explain that often the manner in which the baby was conceived plays a huge impact on the personality of the baby.  He then proceeded to highlight that in this case it must have been...

Doggy Style.

Holy Crap!  I still can't handle it when I think about it today.  I could not believe that his friend literally just sent this to our entire office.  For me it was one of those loud, eyes-watering, stomach-hurting laughs at my desk.  For my co-worker, it was probably one of those moments when you hang your head in embarrassment, look back and wish you had sent it to your intended distro list under a BCC so Reply To All was never ever ever an option. 

I wonder how the baby dog is doing now?  And, I wonder if my former co-worker ever made that mistake again? 




Monday, December 17, 2012

Pay It Forward

I've been overwhelmingly fascinated with the Newtown tragedy.  I have been interested to learn about what happened.  How it happened.  Who was there.  Who wasn't there.  Why it happened.  I want to read about every person who is now gone.  Even if they lived a very short life, I want to know about it.  I want to hear what their parent's have to say, what their children think and what their brother or sister will miss.  And, in doing so, I will take a moment to honor them.  Even when I can't finish the article because I feel sickened with sadness, I will honor them.  I want to hear the stories of selflessness of the teachers and administrators. I want to know that the first responders have the support they need to work through what they saw.  I want the world to offer prayer, empathy and support for everyone touched by this event.

I am amazed at the outpouring of support immediately shown from people around the world.  An athlete who acknowledged his biggest fan.  A man who took his dog to offer up hugs to anyone who needed one.  A woman who donated to a local charity just because she wanted to do something to support children.  The newspaper that left out haunting images and simply and graciously listed the names of the victims on the front page.  A flash sale site that changed their daily email sale announcement to instead honor those who have been lost and provided a link so that you could donate to the United Way of Western Connecticut.  The countless people who are posting on facebook in support of all those who were lost. The sports teams that offered a moment of silence in honor before their games.  The President who shared heartfelt remarks.  The religious leaders who come together to pray for all people.  The person who hugs a child just a little tighter before sending them off to school or practice. And, I commend the woman who wrote the article about navigating through life with a son who seems to possess one too many similarities to many of the young men who have recently committed unfortunately comparable and disgusting acts of violence just so that we may better understand.

While many of these acts are simple in their nature, together they represent a community of people all over the United States and the World who are thinking of and praying for Sandy Hook and its' village of people mourning their unbelievable loss. Some of these acts are grand and others simple.  All heartfelt. 

We all can do this.  And, it doesn't have to be a an extravagant gesture.  But, take a moment, and find the good in the world and in your heart.  Once you find it, share a little bit of it with a person around you.  My kind actions may not reach the people of Newtown directly but if everyone one of us pays it forward eventually it will get there.  And, the warmth and love we feel for them now will be magnified tremendously.  And, that same love and kindness will benefit everyone around us as well.






Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Honoring Helen


When someone passes you try to find ways to honor them.  Whether in song or quotation, you look for things that have a deeper meaning to show your love, hopes, wishes and dreams for them in their afterlife and for the family and their friends in their "After" life.

Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of the passing of our dear family friend after her battle with Pancreatic Cancer. The world lost a wonderful mother, daughter, wife, sister, role model and friend. I think of her often and am thankful that she is at peace.

What troubles me still is the loss for her daughters, my 'sisters', twins I grew up babysitting, playing with and watching develop into two of the funniest, kindest, most beautiful women.  And, I am tickled when they laugh and I hear their mother's laughter ring through the air.

I am bothered for her sons who need their mother in ways they can't even imagine but I am happy to see how they've grown into incredible men who treat the women in their lives in a way that would make her proud and feel honored.

I hope for her husband as he continues to find his way in navigating the world without her by his side and I smile because I know she watches over him and that he is surrounded with her love everyday through their children.

I am sad for her mother for losing her daughter far too soon.   But, I find peace knowing that she is smiling down onto her mother and caring for her from above.

I wonder about her friends and how lonely they feel when they want to share a story with her but I am grateful that they have found ways to cherish her memory in the places she loved most and feel her spirit when there together.

And, while thinking of these things brings tears to my eyes, I know that the most important thing is that in our "After" life we honor her by always living our best life.  Living a life in the amazing way that she lived hers.  A life filled with happiness, laughter and appreciation for the good around us. A life where you cherish accomplishments, support others wholeheartedly and always are willing to lend a hand and an ear. A life blooming with sunshine, celebration and love.

Today, tomorrow, and for every day after, I will honor Helen by trying to live my best life.  I ask that you do too.


HSB
1/4/53 - 12/13/10

those 3 little words..

I was head over heels.  I had found him.  The guy that made my heart race.  My mind fuzzy.  My stomach do flip flops.

We had been dating for a while.  Plans were made for The Holidays.  We spent a perfect amount of time together.  Not too much.  Not too little.

I laughed more, smiled more, skipped more.  Because. Of. Him.

It was my first 'love'.  I knew it.  We were going to be together.  Forever.  I had found my King.  I was certain.  I couldn't wait to hear it out of his mouth.  I love you.  I just wanted him to say it first so I could say it back.

We were out with friends.  He liked to drink.  A lot.  Later I realized too much. 

He got that look in his eye.  Or, that one eye.  The one that got smaller and squintier.  The look that I knew meant the proverbial 'other shoe' may drop.  He was slurring his words when he was telling me how much he liked me.  He was so happy I was in his life.  He couldn't imagine being with anyone but me.  The moment he saw me it was like a circle of light was surrounding me. He was drawn to me in that very first moment and could never let me go.

I knew it was coming.  He was going to say those 3 little words I had been waiting to hear for  SOOO   LOOONG.  To profess his unwavering love for me.   It was on the tip of his tongue.  I stopped breathing waiting for him to whisper it in my ear.

"I slub you"  he says.

He was trashed. 

And, he slubbed me. 

I felt like the unluckiest girl in the world.  My boyfriend slubbed me.  I wanted him to take it back.  I wanted to cry.  Who wants to hear for the first time that their boyfriend 'slubs' them?  Where was I love you? 

Gone.  Gone about 8 gins ago.  That's where it was.  He slubbed gin too. 


Saturday, December 8, 2012

Holiday Bonus

I owe my cleaning lady.  BIG TIME.

I love the day that she comes.  My place looks and smells amazing!  I love being in it.  I don't want to leave.  I just want to lay around in it's cleanliness and enjoy the serenity that comes with a combination of pine-sol, windex, spic'n span, elbow grease and pledge.  Eau de Peace & Calm.

I just want to lounge on my comfy couch in my comfy post-work wear.  aka pajamas.  I want to inhale clean air and not see a spec of dust anywhere.  I want Eau de Peace & Calm to permeate my clothes, hair and self.  It is Heavenly.

For her visit last week I had left a Holiday Bonus in her check.  An extra show of thanks.

Usually she texts me when she leaves.  I was actually very much looking forward to getting her text all day because the cleanliness of my place would radiate the peace and calm through the cellular network.  And, I would feel so much more at ease knowing that I was going home to a clean, organized and smelling-good house.  Not the tornadic disaster I had left earlier that day.

The text arrived.  She thanked me for the Holiday Bonus and mentioned that she really appreciated it.  Warm and fuzzy feelings washed over me.  Eau de Peace & Calm was radiating from my inner self..

Then she sent another text.

"Sam 'got sick' in his cage.  The towel is now in the hall.  Put new towels in the kennel.  Cleaned him up.  Hope that was okay".

I had to read the text twice.  To make sure it really said that Sam got sick in his cage.  Of course he did.  On the day that I didn't go home at lunch.  And, the day that my cleaning angel came.

So much for a holiday bonus.  That was like prepayment for the bonus she was getting straight from Sam's intestines.   Eau de Puke and Stench.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

My Dating misAdventures Entry # 2

A friend set us up.  On paper he was AMAZING.

Tall.  Love it!

VP of Marketing for a major sports team.  Smart and Savvy.

Dark Hair.  *swoon*

Christian.  My mom would approve.


http://www.flickr.com/photos/p200eric/2664442521/
CC By Eric Heath
We talked and agreed to meet on Saturday night.  He suggested the Top of the Mark. 

I knew nothing about the Top of the Mark.  I wanted to wear jeans.  He said he would be wearing a suit.  He wanted to get dressed up. See you soon fancy man.

Enter blonde girl.  Tuxedos in the lobby.  I am totally underdressed in my heeled sandals, skirt and tank.  I should have worn a sequined ballgown.  Up top, I take in the glory of this elegant restaurant at the peak of the Mark Hopkins Intercontinental Hotel in San Francisco's Nob Hill. Apparently you go here to celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary. China.  Multiple forks and spoons.  Crystal.  Why not a pub with burgers and fries??

Over candlelight I drank wine with dinner.  He asked if I had been SAVED by Jesus.  I ordered another glass. I mean it's great to have a relationship with the big guy upstairs.  I have one, we talk.  However, date 1 may not the best time to bring it up. Let's have breezy conversation.  Flirt. Laugh. Share funny stories.  No need to go biblical.

He said and did some other odd things.  Kind of arrogant too.  We parted ways knowing we would never see each other again.  The car from the Mark Hopkins took me home.  Where was The Bachelor camera crew to film my tipsy commentary about my feelings toward the Jesus-loving sports exec?

Many months later I learned from the person who set us up that 1) she didn't know much about him and 2) at this exact same time he was trying to determine what to do about another female in his life.

Apparently they met at church.  Their lust and desire overtook them during bible study.  A one-night stand occurred. She was pregnant.  They weren't exactly sure what to do.

I think going out with me was a brilliant idea.  Do you sense the sarcasm in my voice?  Seriously?   Dude, you probably should have been attending to your knocked-up church friend.




Sunday, December 2, 2012

Just Plane Inappropriate

I travel often.  I am not a 'road warrior' but I do have status which allows me great perks like access to exit row seats. 

I am also tall, for a lady.  And, taller than many men.  Which drains my dating pool.  Significantly.  This is another post.  But, just a second.  Seriously, it stinks.  I am doing the online dating thing and I rule out thousands of men due to height alone.  Some are hot!  Reminds me of a guy from college my friends and I used to call 'would be hot if tall'.  I don't think we ever called him this to his face.  Well, maybe once, after spending too many hours enjoying Penny Pitchers.   

Anyway, I digress.  Back to the original story... I am also tall, for a lady.  So, I really appreciate when I secure the exit row aisle seat.  I'll take an exit window or an exit center if necessary.  But the aisle is hitting the airplane seat assignment jackpot!!

On my recent trip to the islands I secured the exit row.  But, it was the window seat.  Okay, not ideal, but definitely better than a standard row where my knees are always at risk for being knocked around when someone in front of me decides to recline to rest.  Then I have to uncross my legs because I am never prepared and I always knock them back.  They think I am a bitch.  And, in the spirit of honesty since it is Sunday, sometimes I knock a little harder if I am annoyed that they flopped back during the recline and jarred my computer.

Moving on. 

So, my seatmates were a young couple in love.  They were lost in eachother's eyes.  Holding hands.  Maybe it was a honeymoon trip.  It was kind of sweet and kind of annoying.



We take off and the girl decides its time to get comfortable.     So, she takes off her shoes.  Really?  I think this is totally inappropriate on the plane.  Now, it could be worse, she could be clipping her fingernails or eating chicken off the bone straight out of a ziploc baggie.  I've seen both.  But, shoe removal on the plane is bad and one of my pet peeves.




What if I was terrified of feet?  Or, what if her feet smelled?  You don't always realize it.  And, she was wearing inexpensive pleather ballet flats which is a prime way to achieve foot smell.  Not knocking them.  Have several pair.  Also carry baby powder when I wear mine to avoid the foot sweats.




Anyway, her feet are pointed in my direction for a bit.  Then she starts to shift.  And, then she gets really comfortable.  Like, laying-around-the-house-watching-tv comfortable.  She just up and throws her un-shoed feet and legs over her main squeeze's lap.  Awesome, I've just crashed date night. 


Seriously?  Is this your living room?  Are we on your couch?  In your gingerbread house?  I would bet that she doesn't do that at a dinner party when she is kindly waiting for dessert to be served.  Or, in a hotel lobby.  Or, in the Dr's office waiting room. Or, at her in-laws house before she really got to know them. So, why on earth 17E is it okay to do it on the plane?


Take your legs off your husband, shoeless wonder.  Put your darling ballet flats back on.  Stop cuddling so that in the event of an emergency you will be willing and ABLE to assist the flight crew.  Bare feet are just plane plain inappropriate!