Friday, December 28, 2012

U Can't Touch This..
CC by Witches Falls Cottages

I'm just here for relaxation apparently translated to the massage therapist as 'please be very aggressive in tending to my muscles'. 

Literally in pain at points.  I didn't go in for that.  I wanted a nice gentle massage.  Maybe a little aromatherapy.  Soothing and relaxing. Instead I was battered, kneaded, rolled, stretched and rubbed with an intensity I didn't see coming.

As I was lying there, trying to avoid whimpering when she hit the 'hot spots', my mind started to wander.  And, I wandered down massage memory lane. 

Here are my top massage moments:

I had been to this massage therapist before so I kind of knew what to expect.  Unfortunately, she had literally just survived a fire.  Amen.  Seriously, that's scary stuff.  She was very fortunate.  Unfortunately for me, her clothes smelled of smoke.  And, she had a terrible cough.  It was awful, she would try to breathe and start hacking.  It was so bad!  Glad she survived, wish she had taken the day off to recuperate.

But, not as bad as the new age man I had recently.  He wore a hemp necklace and mandals.  And, every time he went in for a stroke he took a huge deep breath through his nose and then exhaled loudly through his mouth.  I'm not kidding.  I think his breathing technique is also used in Lamaze.  Deep breath in through the nostrils..  Rub Liz's back and exhale.  Repeat.  The whole hour was spent with him focused on his breathing.  It was completely awkward.  Then he bowed when we parted ways.  Weird.

And, moving on to another winning massage moment. This was early in my massage life. I wasn't sure whether I should leave the underwear on or off.  When the man came in to talk with me before my rub down he rubbed me the wrong way. Seemed kind of creepy. So, I left the underwear on.

He returned when I was comfortable under the sheet, face in the doughnut. Everything was wonderful.  Just as I liked it.. The he moved down to my legs. At this point he apparently thought my underwear was impeding his work. So, he yanked them in between my cheeks giving me the worst wedgie I've ever had. Worse than jumping of the platform dive at the aquatic center. Worse than Hanky Pankys.  It was suddenly like cheerleading and 'pinching a penny'. Then he went in for the kill and started massaging my bare bum. Seriously. There is a reason you leave underwear on. That means stay away.  In the wise words of MC Hammer, U Can't Touch This.

Out walked a small man. I could have squashed him. I didn't know how he was going to have enough oomph to make a difference in my Swedish massage. Probably for the better considering the massive hangover I was rocking. I had been in Chicago for a bachelorette weekend and the night before was a crazy, late night, shots, champagne and not enough dinner kind of party. Anyway, my Swedish massage started off lovely. Soothing. Perfect pressure. Relaxation station.  Thank you!

Then he asked me to turn over. At this point I am face up and he moved the sheet for access to my legs. Then he lifted my leg and bent it at the knee. Then slowly straightened it. He repeated this motion several times puppeting my leg as if I was riding a bike. When the bicycle riding came to a stop he straightened my leg and began rolling it around at the hip creating giant leg circles in the air. Then he combined the two. Bicycle ride leg circle. Over and over and over again. The he pulled my leg, shook it vigorously and did it all again. Moved on to the other leg for the same amazing (sarcasm) experience.. I was in shock.

After all was said and done, he left, I changed. When I met him outside to receive my bottle of water I asked him what techniques he applied and mentioned I had never experienced anything like it before.  I had a straight face but was laughing hysterically inside.  His reply..Asian BodyWork.

Make a note ladies and gents, if you ever have a massage with Asian BodyWork I suggest leaving your underwear on.

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